A naked man was walking down the street with a woman on his back.

A bloke on the other side of the road asked, "Where are you going?"

The naked man replied, "To a fancy dress party."

"What as?" asked the bemused gentleman.

"A tortoise", said the naked man.

"Well, who is the woman on your back?" said the intrigued gentleman.

"Oh, that's Michelle!!!." the naked man explained.

An extremely upset tortoise crawls into a police station.

"I've been robbed by a marauding gang of snails," he cries to the officers.

"Calm down," says a cop. "Just tell us everything that happened, to the best of your memory."

"That's difficult," says the tortoise. "It all happened so fast!"

A man asks his son what he would like for his birthday and the boy replies "I want a puppy". The man explains he cant have a puppy as they make too much mess so he takes his son down to the pet shop to choose something else. After a while the boy decides on a tortoise.

They arrive home and the man leaves his son playing with the tortoise while he checks his emails. A few minutes later he rushes downstairs to the wailing of his son. "Whats the matter?" the man asks. The boy points to his tortoise with tears in his eyes says "Its legs fell off and it's head".

Furious the man storms back to the pet shop demanding another tortoise and asks what kind of shop are the running here. After many appologies the man returns with a brand new tortoise with a promise that this one will not fall apart.

The man hands his stricken boy the new tortoise "There you go son, all better"

The boy grins plucking the tortoise from his fathers hands and exlaims "VROOM, VROOM" as he drags the tortoise across the floor like a toy car.

Q. What did the snail say when he was riding on the tortoise's back?

A. Wheeeeeeeeee!

The psychiatrist was surprised to see a tortoise come into his office.

"What can I do for you, Mr Tortoise?" asked the psychiatrist.

"I'm terribly shy, doctor," said the tortoise. "I want you to cure me of that."

"No problem. I'll soon have you out of your shell." said the psychiatrist.

A family of tortoises went into a cafe for some ice cream. They sat down and were about to start when Father Tortoise said, "I think it's going to rain. Junior, will you pop home and fetch my umbrella?"

So off went junior for Father's umbrella, but three days later he still hadn't returned.
"I think, dear," said Mother Tortoise to Father Tortoise, "that we had better eat junior's ice cream before it melts."

And a voice from the door said, "If you do that I won't go."

A snail was crossing the road when he was run over by a tortoise.

A policeman came along and asked him how it happened.

"I don't know," replied the snail, "It all happened so fast!"

Q. What was the tortoise doing on the motorway?

A. About 150 millimeters an hour!

A man walks into a bar with a tortoise on his head.

He asks for some cheese.

The bartender says "but this is a bar".

So the man says "that's OK, the tortoise is paying".

Q. Where do you find a tortoise with no legs?

A. Where you left it!

Deep within a forest a little tortoise began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The tortoise tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

Three tortoises, Mick, Tom and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer and says "Ok Roy give me
the bottle opener".

"I didn't bring it" says Roy "I thought you packed it".

Mick gets worried, so he turns to Tom and says "Did you bring the bottle opener?" Naturally Tom didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.

Mick and Tom beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Roy sets off down the road like a sweetie.

20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Tom are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.

Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each and
just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts:

"I KNEW IT, I'M NOT GOING NOW - I'M GOING TO TURN BACK!".

A lonely man goes to the pet shop to buy an animal for some company.

"I have the perfect pet for you," says the owner. "It's an amazing tortoise: it will do almost everything - and it even talks."

"I'll take it." says the man.

Later on that evening, the man decides to put his pet's skills to the test.

"Tortoise, go down to the shop and buy me a paper!" he cries, placing the tortoise on the floor outside the living room.

A year later, the man is still watching TV when he remembers his tortoise.

"Bloody hell! That tortoise is so slow, I better go and look for him."

He steps out of his front door and, to his surprise, nearly steps on his missing pet.
"You're so blinking slow, you've been gone nearly a year. Where's my ruddy paper?"

To which the disgruntled tortoise replies, "Well if you're going to be like that, I won't go!"